Playing Games

Being that I am still fairly new to the dating scene again, so many of my friends, both male and female, have spent many hours in trying to assist me in the art of "the game."  Personally I enjoy playing games but detest all of the rules, the more complicated, the less likely I will want to play.  Clear-cut, simple, non-complicated, that is me for the most part.  If I am required to follow "rules" I want to at least know what they are so I can follow them as precisely as possible.

Unfortunately that is not the case with dating as the rules are more gray, if anything, and continually change.  Why must I pretend to not like someone when I do, not answer when they call when I want to talk, ignore a text for a few days, or worse, pretend to be busy when I am not and would like to see them?  It is simply exhausting all of the rules that I am told to follow by everyone, leading me to absolutely abhor these games.  It is like trying to find a bargain basement sale of Manolo Blahnik shoes. The only way to find the sale is with the use of an encrypted map, a map that has streets and landmarks that have changed.  Nothing is decipherable on this map and the location continues to move.

I understand and appreciate the idea, the necessity of the hunt, if you will, between a man and a woman.  However, even a hunter and its prey realize you need some form of direct, understandable, and reliable information and direction to lead you through the forest either away or towards one another.  Otherwise, you won't ever make it out of the woods. 

Image found here

Cuz Breaking up.....Blows! Finale

As I was writing the first two parts of this series, I hadn't really intended going into a third.  After all, how much can one person write about concerning a break-up and all that it entails?  Okay, I am sure there are authors out there that can fill up books on the subject but here things are left brief.  It wasn't until I was writing the second part that something occurred that really pushed for this third and final installment. 

The "reconnection."

Oh it will happen and typically when it does, it takes you completely off-guard.  You have finally pushed through all of the pain and questions, moved on to a better mind-set, maybe even started dating again.  When suddenly it happens, the dreaded text or call arrives.  What do they want?  Why now?  Why in the world have they decided to contact you when they made it perfectly clear that they wanted to move on without you in their life?  Seriously, this can cause all sorts of problems, even a possible brain explosion from the new questions that will form immediately in your mind upon seeing that number appear on your cell phone.  

Obviously I am not a scientist, so my research into this phenomenon is purely unscientific at best but I am pretty sure this information is spot on as being close to accurate.  After discussing this with several different male and female friends, it was determined that men don't know anymore about what they want than women do when it comes to relationships and men want to always feel in control.  Now this first assumption (and who are we kidding, these are only assumptions, as again, not scientific here) is definitely plausible.  After all, we all think we know what we want but just watch people that go into any sort of bakery or ice cream shop.  They will change their minds a hundred times only to arrive back at their first choice.  Seriously, I am not one to disagree with this just based on my shoe shopping habit alone. 

It is the second assumption that really confused me the most; it required me calling and texting several different male friends just for re-verification.  The mutual consensus was that for men, when they break off the relationship, they are then in control at that moment in time.  If you throw a tantrum, act crazy, call or text them a dozen times a day, you are fueling the assumption you are crazy and they remain in control.  However, if you act maturely and let them walk away without a firestorm of emotions it apparently leaves them confused, disarmed, and of course, feeling not in control.  By texting out of the blue they are looking for re-assurance that they can maybe regain that lost feeling and be in control once more of the relationship.  How you respond (or if you respond) is very important at this stage of the break-up.  

The best course of action would be to politely ignore any and all attempts from your ex at this juncture. You will continue to remain on top, while leaving them perplexed and desiring you more than they did when they were dating you. However, it is understandable that for some, this will not be a possibility.  The lure to respond, to re-kindle is too great.  To those, I say be cautious.  Make sure that this is really the road you want to travel down again as sometimes recuperating a second time can be twice as devastating than the first.  Just consider, if you walked into a shoe store and the salespeople were awful, the prices were too high, and the heels were of poor quality, would you still purchase something?  If you did, and the new high heels you bought fell apart after a week, would you go back for a refund?  Would you ever shop there again?  If you answered no, then more than likely you would consider the same for your past relationship. If you answered yes, please talk with friends and family, you really are in need of an intervention of the fastest kind from loved ones!  Don’t look behind you for your future, it isn't there. Always look straight ahead.  We leave things behind for a reason, even if we don’t fully understand, appreciate, or even realize it at the time.     

Artwork and Photo found here.

Cuz Breaking up blows.....Part Deux!

Once the break-up has occurred, the questions and self doubt creep in leaving the injured party (and in some instances both parties) feeling left adrift in soul-cringing pain.  How do you pull yourself out of this mire? That is the main question you should ask yourself.  Instead we tend to focus on what WE did wrong, was it US, should WE change, how can WE be better.

On and on we run through question after question as to where things turned in the relationship to lead to the inevitable break-up. These questions are completely ridiculous.  You should never want to change yourself for anyone other than you, but of course, we all find ourselves questioning and thinking heavily about doing just that in a vain attempt to keep what was apparently never meant to be in-tact.  This fruitless questioning only prolongs the pain and prevents the healing process from beginning. 

Once you stop questioning and accept the loss, it may take a few days of crying, lots of wine, chocolate, and really great friends to help you through the pain and onto a better state of mind.  Of course, sometimes it takes quite a bit of time to get to that point, especially if the relationship had lasted a very long time.  No matter how long it takes, though, things can and do get better.  Especially if you keep telling yourself again and again everyday that it will, it will in fact happen.  You will eventually wake up one morning and realize that the sun is still shining as it always does and that your heart and soul feel mended and open again, ready for your next phase in life.

Image found here

Cuz Breaking up.......Blows! Part One

I know we have all heard that song from the sixties and can probably sing along with the chorus "Cuz Breaking up is hard to do."  Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all know it is hard to do, we don't need songs to remind us of this fact.

Finding the courage and the right words, to tell the other person that you have been seeing that you are no longer interested in seeing them anymore can be a challenge.  Sometimes it is even done with an inappropriate text.  At least with a call, face-to-face meeting, or even a ridiculous text you have been given some sort of acknowledgement that closure has been sought.  Because often times you are left trying to decipher if you have in fact broken up due to no calls or texts from the other person.  They have simply gone M.I.A. and you are left confused and hurt without any sort of real closure.

What the song doesn't tell you is that the breaking up part is actually easy in comparison to what happens afterwards.  The shattering pain that rips at you night and day, at unexpected times, leaving you feeling helpless and without control. You are left feeling as if your entire world has ended without warning.  Your mind and body become filled with only questions. Can I piece myself back together?  When will the pain end?  How do I breath?  What did I do wrong?  Can I fix it?  The questions are relentless, on an unending loop in your mind, asking over and over again until you are just completely exhausted from it all.  Unfortunately, many of the questions will never be answered.

 Image found here

How long do you take to reply?

Lately it seems like I am always waiting for someone to return a call or text me back.  Why are they always taking so long in responding?  I am completely perplexed by this phenomena. Before, when everyone didn't have cell phones, droids, iphones, or ipads at their side 24/7, we relied on speaking with people in person or via a land line.  If someone sent you a letter you were ecstatic to receive it knowing they took the time to write.  You always answered your phone at home or ensured that you returned the missed call immediately upon arriving. 

Personally, when someone emails, calls, or texts me, I am always quick to respond.  I believe it is polite, just good manners really, to respond to the person as soon as I can.  After all, they have taken time out of their own busy day to think of me.

Being that we are in the holiday season, we tend to reach out more than usual, thinking of others we may have lost touch with over time.  Do yourself a favor and take a moment and think of the person reaching out to you during the season and respond with warmth, kindness, and above all timely.  Don't leave them hanging like a forgotten, dropped phone call. 

Phone image found here.

  

Saying Goodbye is Always Difficult

Why is saying good-bye so difficult?  I recently had to finally say adieu to someone very close and special to me. It was so painful and still is and probably will be for some time to come.  The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I was able to say adieu to them properly before they passed, that I was able to smile, laugh, kiss, and hug them one final time and remember our last moments together as being wonderful and happy.

Today I wore something of theirs that is so simple and beautiful, don't know why I don't wear it more often because I do love it, so I have thought of them all day long.  How is it that happy thoughts from something so small, like the pearl necklace I wore today, merged with a painful loss, can actually make the pain in one's chest seem less?  Quite remarkable really.

Waiting for a Sale?

Always find yourself waiting?  Waiting for your chance to turn, waiting for a table, waiting for a coffee, the list just continues and grows of all of the things we continue to wait for everyday.  The one thing most of us invariably wait for time and time again is "the" sale.  You find what you believe to be the perfect pair of shoes but they are new, just out for the season.  The store is of course asking full price, you want to pay less, so you wait.  You wait and wait and wait some more.  Finally the great sale at the end of the season arrives, the shoes are now 75% off.  Fantastic!  Time to purchase your lovely find.  Only problem now, they no longer have your size or color.

Why did you wait so long for the shoes that you fell in love with months earlier?  They were perfect, would have lasted season after season, looked fabulous when you wore them; they were simply amazing.  Instead of treating them with the desire you felt for them, you chose to wait for a bargain basement deal and treat them as an anything purchase.   

Can you wait for a sale?  Absolutely.  However, you should save items to be purchased on sale for what they are, a random find that really matters not whether you acquire them.  When something unbelievable comes along, you should snatch it up immediately because you never know when or if that item and opportunity may ever come your way again. If you wait too long, you just might find that what could have been something wonderful for you is now owned and adored by someone else instead.  Don't lose out waiting! 

Photo of sign and sale found here.